I woke up yesterday to the sound of my roommate snoring. No, sorry, the sound of her phone vibrating. Yeah, both happen so often, and so similarly, it’s hard to make out the difference. And isn’t that true about all of life’s choicest dilemmas?
I got through the day, as usual, with an ever stagnating graph that occasionally shows dull positive spikes and intense negative ones. I had an anxiety episode, but I got past that.
I fell fast asleep at night, after drinking a cup of warm tea. I felt as exhausted as I do in the morning without that very cup of tea, so I guess that’s what you call karma and life coming a full circle.
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In the hey-day, I used to wake up to a sunny positive day with a purpose. Throughout my college life, I would thrive to make it through the day, because I had that sense of purpose. Even the not-so-well-thought-out purposes. Like excelling in academics. Or getting my guy. Or simply bettering myself.
Over the last one year, I realized that, I’ve been losing that sense of purpose. Because of some professional setbacks and wrong choices, I began losing faith in that very purpose. I had been the luckiest girl till college. I never had to study too hard to get good grades. I prided myself about that. I had a rock sturdy belief that I could solve any problem at hand. And yet, in my last year, I faltered. I make great short term decisions. I suck at the long term ones.
And so, what exactly explains my current scenario? Why do I let my mind get boggled by the things around me? Why doesn’t my mind focus on work? On future goals and aspirations? Why do I constantly get affected by the stimuli around me?
People say that I’m an impulsive person. I’m extremely sensitive to the point of stupidity. I made a bad decision academically, and I feel shaky about every subsequent decision that I have made. I invested a lot of hard work and enthusiasm into my thesis work, which just did not add up to anything. Ever since, I’ve been feeling that regardless of the efforts I put in, the outcome will not be commensurate. It’s probably a realization that hits people at various stages, and to most of my friends, during college itself. I’d say they were lucky it came to them that early.
So yes, I feel lost at this point. I keep pushing the next big decision away, because I don’t want the emotional turmoil associated with a bad outcome. I’m trying to run away, every single day. I don’t have enough faith in my purpose.
What is my purpose? Is it a well-thought-out one? Can one really think well enough about one’s purpose? Is getting a PhD my long term purpose? No. I have such bad foresight, I can’t even plan out the next 5 months of my life, let alone 5 years. What is the immediate purpose? Getting the hell out of this rut and moving on to the next phase of my life. How do I do that? Applying to colleges. What stops me from making that decision? The intermediate peace of mind that comes with pushing decisions to a later point. The fear of another setback.
I’m stuck in a loop. Every decision I push for the later becomes a bad decision. One bad decision leads to another. I feel so directionless sometimes, it’s hard to keep myself motivated. I need a positive influence. I want someone to guide me. I’m tired of guiding myself. I don’t know if I’m doing it right.
I know I need to listen to the people around me. But I want an inner voice that’s stronger than that. After all, I can only change if I myself want to. I can only let go of that anxiety if I want to. No one else can make me. They can tilt the scales slightly but not completely.
The only thing I’m certain about, in my future, is being with the guy that I’ve spent the last 4 years of my life with. In the past few months, there have been instances in which I didn’t think about situations. I just let my superficial emotions dictate me. I fear they harmed my relationship with him adversely. If my faith in our relationship deters, I simply have no faith left in anything. He is my rock.
And so, in all the adversity, I hope to generate hope. Some sense of purpose. I know I need to find it myself. If no one gives me that chance, I want to give myself one.
Oh. I just realized, I do have one long-term purpose. Writing. I really do wish to publish (yeah, I guess scientific journals count too). I guess blogging is the first step to doing that.
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It’s the 14th of January, and according to Hindu customs, tomorrow is the onset of Spring. It’s so difficult to gauge the events of life sometimes, it’s easier to use metaphors, which are like life’s equations. Associated with every science, is math. And every culture, is language. And for life, there need to be metaphors. On that note, it’s the last day of Winter. Spring is coming.