Time Machine

It’s the turn of a new chapter. Lots happened over the weekend. Heart break, heart ache… err… stomach ache. A lot of negative energies collapsed into a chaotic cluster that finally exploded. Frankly, I’m relieved. No more hang ups about upsetting people. No more hang ups about hurting anyone. I’m enjoying the calm after the storm.

I had been struggling to turn over the page to end the last chapter. I’ve done it for once and I’m glad. There’s an urgent need for me to move on from the mess and build my life back, the way it was. Not six months ago, but the way it was a little over two years ago. Around the time I got committed to my boyfriend.

I claim to be a strong independent woman, but I fell into the trappings of the society.

To be frank my personal growth over the last two years has been abysmal. The happiness I got from pleasing and accommodating my boyfriend’s needs and wishes, made me complacent enough to ignore my own wishes and needs. Thrown into the big bad world on my own, I did rely on him to show me the path, but due to no fault of his own, his life kept him busy enough.

And so, unguided and hopeless, I was tired of peering through half-closed eyes to see a ray of sunshine. I was afraid to open my eyes completely, for the sun was shining so bright. I was unaware of what I could make of the abundance of opportunities. I covered my eyes, hoping, someone would stand beside me and prod me to open them. To tell me that there was nothing to be afraid of. To tell me that they’d accompany me in my quest to find the purpose of my life. To tell me that all of life’s battles would be easy enough to fight, as long as we’d be there for each other.

Why do I need such a high degree of reliance on someone else? Can’t I forge my own pathway? Ever since I was a kid, I was so used to supporting myself and being strong for my friends and family. I never let anyone suspect I was weak or needed help. So why did I suddenly find myself needing that support? Unknowingly, I envisioned a life partner, who would do that for me. Does that make me needy?

***

I’m quite sick and tired of this perpetual break and make policy that I keep implementing on every single turn in my life. If life is a road, then I’m a rash driver (which apparently is in coherence with the notion that women are bad drivers). I’m not only putting myself but also my co-passengers at risk.

What triggers positive changes? Sadly, never a positive stimulus. I think in all walks of life, we tend to compliment the negativity surrounding us, in hopes to build a better tomorrow. If you lack money, you work hours at a stretch to make money (if you choose the ethical way, that is). If you lack love, you chase love. You seek the one person whom you can give that love to and expect to be loved back. If you lack food, you hopefully fill that forever rumbling tummy of yours (okay, but don’t overdo it, ’cause that just causes more rumbling).

What if you lack stability? Calmness of thought? Focus? I’ll go out on a limb and even add ambition to this list. What if I just haven’t been able to figure out with certainty, what I really want to do with my life?

***

I was once a budding physicist. I wanted to know everything about the world. If my life was a blog, I’d name it perpetualy (geddit? Perpetually|Perpetual Why| also, unintended pun (okay sorry, trying too hard (fine I’ll stop apologizing))). I love asking questions more than I like getting answers. I love contemplation. I’m an ever curious soul. I’m forever fascinated by the abundance of knowledge that the world has to give.

I love math. I (annoyingly) use equations to express my point of view. I hypothesize to the point of disbelief. I love analyzing. My intrinsic nature suggests that I be a researcher.

So, makes sense for me to be a researcher? But then, what kind of researcher? Something to contemplate on, in the next blog post.

Now that I have made up my mind, how do I even go about pursuing that? Put all of my energies into researching what? I need to settle on that. Only then will I be able to gain that stability. That focus. I want to have a goal to work towards. I want to work towards it, not because I am capable of it, or I’m good at it. I want to work towards it because it truly is the purpose of my life. Only then can I build my entire ambition around it.

And so, this blog post is dedicated to the girl I was, two years back. Come back, I need you to be every bit of the dreamer that I need to be, to get to that goal. Every bit of the go-getter. Give me the drive to dive into my ambitions, undeterred by the bludgers life throws at me. Also bring that Beater’s bat.

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3 thoughts on “Time Machine

  1. My girlfriend once told me a similar thing. More power to you if you recognise the need for independence in this day and age. And I am sure your boyfriend is proud of you for whatever you do…. Whether it be research or cracking really weird pun-filled jokes.

    Liked by 1 person

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