He said She said 

Corporate jobs are boring. And working in startups, way too interesting. There’s always something going on, you know. Impressing investors, working late nights, racking your underqualified brains to solve overqualified problems. But it’s still pretty great. Being a part of something big is always great. I remember when I was a part of the organizing committee of our college cultural festival. I would be so exhausted from errands, and I’d just rest my head on the sides of the bass speakers on stage and doze off. There’s something about physically synchronizing to the beat of the music. Just like there is in being away from the thumping crowd, several feet away, as the waves of pressure turn into waves of pleasure when they hit you. As you attain a sense of melodious and divine solitude. Well, of course, the only thing that could burst that bubble would have to be a horrible acoustic… 

Feedback. I need some positive feedback, or I won’t be able to carry on this way. I came to this place with a goal in my mind. I want to be a part of something big. My PhD adviser has been a part of some revolutionary research. They got the whole world talking about it. The topic became the new buzz word in the sciences. So how do I even get there? I have so many ideas that I want to implement right away, I’m too enthusiastic to calm down. I don’t want to get complacent, I’ve seen what it does to me. So I’m taking initiative. Throwing myself into every possible opportunity imaginable. Something has to work right? I just don’t know whether I’m doing the right thing. What if I make a mistake somewhere? I think I’m a bit…

Overwhelmed is what I feel right now. But feeling scared is a good thing. “Do one thing every day that scares you”. There’s no other way to grow. The first time I was scared was when I flunked my qualifying exams after high school. I pushed myself to do better next year and managed to get into one of the top engineering schools of the country. I was scared after becoming the chief coordinator of the Department of Backstage and Infra, at college. But what I experienced after, (including the performers personally autographing my id cards) was pretty darn amazing. Still remember the fireworks at the end of each fest. Fireworks last for seconds. But the effect lingers. You know what I’m afraid of the most right now? 

The future is a mysterious entity. We physicists have the notion that we can understand anything if we get to the crux of it. Model events as probabilistic functions. Is it wrong to want to chalk out the exact trajectory of my life in the next five years? What if things don’t go exactly as planned? I remember having tried to create a fun physics pop event at our technical festival at college. I wanted to get everyone excited about physics. I was so caught up in coordinating another event, that I couldn’t even attend the first two rounds of my brainchild. I guess I don’t make a good brainmom? Jokes apart, I really want to do something cool here and I have some really high…

Expectations are a bad thing. Worse, when you have insane expectations from yourself. It’s like trying to fit a curve to its expected value. Making it converge to a specific value regardless of the deviation at that point. How likely is that, to happen? And then there’s something called hope and it’s totally different from expectation. It’s like the upper bound of a function called happiness. It may not be attained immediately. But it will some time. My girlfriend stays miles away from me. And I hope I get to have a nice time with her when she comes by in… 

December is when I get to go back home to India. Which is possibly a good time, because I want to meet my boyfriend. He’s my support system and he motivates me to do what I do every day. Winter here in Iowa is horribly  cold, but I just can’t wait for the end of December!


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