Dude where’s my card?

**Context: I had posted a valentine’s day card to my boyfriend, a couple days past VDay and it never reached him. With the card, I had enclosed a letter, a letter that contained some confidential information. This post is a continuation of that letter, but I’m just choosing not to post it, because I don’t trust the US Postal services/India post any more.

Disclaimer: This is a spoof blog post and is not an accurate representation of my thoughts on any political or postal system. Also contains some Harry Potter references (yeah, I need to grow up).**

Dear Drake,

Firstly, let me re-apologize. I had apologized in my first letter about how it would reach you late. How it would be intercepted by the Inquisitive Squad under an Umbridge-like surveillance, which has been tracking and snooping on everyone’s mail. I didn’t hear back from you for over three months now, so I will assume that the new regime has been successful in taking away people’s right to free expression. Or that international postal services are careless with “first class mail”. But my suspicions were right: my letter never reached you.

I am therefore resorting to electronic broadcasting means, and I hope that you stumble upon this “letter”, as long as you remember to check my blog at regular intervals. (Since this is a public medium, I urge other watchers to follow the same strategy. Keep following my updates on my blog, in case you have been meaning to hear from me, but haven’t in a while.)

I hear that you are in crisis. I had sent you a “portkey” to teleport you here, but I have obviously failed. Or maybe the postman accidentally touched it and got teleported instead; I clearly didn’t think this through. I will come up with a better solution, and find a way to meet you, by fight or by flight!

In other news, yet another Indian origin kid became a spelling bee champion; people prefer watching girls at the bay over girls in Baywatch; the top Google trends in technology news today are literally an advertisement for different Apple products, with the topics Apple, iOS, Siri, App Store, iPad Pro, iMac, MacBook Pro, iPad and Macintosh forming 9 of the 10 trends (I think Apple managed to hijack Google’s clustering algorithm somehow, but Google’s No-got any time to look into that (geddit? Nougat?)). This is the news as I see it here on the 5th of June, so this is the digital equivalent of holding up a newspaper to showcase what date it is, for fact checking evidences.

Meanwhile, scientists, including the likes of yours truly have reached a step closer to unlocking the secret for true happiness: it consists of rotating a 3 armed UFO like object called the fidget spinner. People are still unsure about its calming effects, though I think we’ve just demonstrated the biggest placebo effect in action ever. Those things work, just like how that detox tea makes you slimmer and that Avengers tee makes you look like a Marvel fan. Let’s just admit that we just got those things at a cool discount and they didn’t disappoint. So I think you should watch out for a fidget spinner in your post. Or a Marvel tee. Or detox tea. Or neither, depending on space and time constraints.

If you think that this letter is progressing rather aimlessly, then you’ve actually successfully caught on to the unaltered version. It is usually difficult to decrypt utter gibberish and that’s the language that I’ve chosen to encyrpt this message in. 

If you receive this message, send me a distress signal; a rescue ship will be on its way. 

P.S. The ship is a metaphor for this blog post, don’t expect an actual ship. Though it might be cool to own one, one day. If and when I do own one, I’ll definitely send it if required. 


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